drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
