There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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