I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
