Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
