I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
