Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
