I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
