Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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