so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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