I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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