I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
