We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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