Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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