dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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