oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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