The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
