Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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