She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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