are you so shy because you have an std?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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