Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
