You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
