I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
