She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
