Umm I'm too high to move.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
