Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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