Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
