i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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