You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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