The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
