You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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