I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
