I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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