Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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