Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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