So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
