Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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