how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
