You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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