She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
no you cant smoke seaweed
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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