Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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