I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I know her cup size but not her name....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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