Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
