i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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