wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am available for nakedness
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
