community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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