so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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