No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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