she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
