im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
