Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
