You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
