LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
