finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
