You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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