I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
