I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
now i know why i became what i already was.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
