I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
