hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
