im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
