i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i've created a new STD.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
