please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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