the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
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You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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